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Thursday, 02 July 2009

  • Bleh

    I haven't written anything good in a really, really long time. It's frustrating, but I have plausible excuses. Nevertheless, this doesn't make me feel any better.

    Before May 8th, it was simply being busy (or drunk) having one of the most intense 16 weeks of my life; now, during my summer hiatus, I blame it on cosmetic surgery recovery and being back in Caracas, the place I have grown to both love and hate. It was this fucking boredom that characterizes this city that made me want to leave in the first place last August (oh, yeah, and the academic opportunities somewhere else).

    It doesn't matter that I have access to more money, more "civilization" and more clubs than back in SD -- this place is just tired. And expensive! No bar/club/restaurant here to date is worth the astronomical prices that they advertise. I've been wanting to check out El Teatro, but the $25 cover charge (with no drinks) makes me cringe. Perhaps I've gotten way too used to Brookings' unreal cheapness.  Even Elmo Bar closed down -- what the fuck is wrong with these people? The best places keep getting shut down and replaced by cookie-cutter clones of whatever's "hot" at San Ignacio. (Are we surprised? After all, it has only been a year)

    Granted, my perception may be a bit altered because I have been in recovery for a while and haven't given the city enough of a chance to wow me -- but really, a mere survey of friends' shenanigans in the last few days suffices to let me know that I'm probably right.

    It's revolting to think about yet another random night of mediocre drinks, coming home on an overpriced taxi after dancing to an avalanche of utter musical 2007 top 40 bullshit, amidst drunken, sweaty, UGLY bodies... and calling it a rocking evening.

    Look, I'm no better -- by no means am I a 9 or a 10, but I have gotten some fucking standards, and for the life of me, I have not seen anyone above a 4 in this city.

    Okay, maybe I have; but they have turned out to be gay -- and not just "I think that guy's gay", but truly, "I'm shaking my ass at a gay club" gay. I have no problem with gay guys (I don't even want to *hear* the word "homophobic" after this post), though it seems as if Caracas has been hijacked by the male homosexual community -- no lie, confirmed by several other straight women in my circle. I don't understand how women are still getting pregnant here; I believe we are being forced to settle for the below 4s, and as the silicone breasts keep getting bigger, the waists smaller, ugly guys' egos and shamelessness have reached epic proportions. There is such a shortage of straight men, that even economic status is starting to leave its "deal-breaker" status.

    Competition is tough here in Caracas, but, what the hell are we even trying for? No thanks, I'd rather be celibate for the remainder of my stay. Sometimes I want to club these women over the head, for taking such painful detail to look good for these disgusting bozos that hardly even deserve to be out in public. But then again, has anything really changed? Other than me and my own perception of myself after the weight loss and subsequent cosmetic surgery (I'm coming back for another one in December, haa!)?

    Needless to say, though -- this entire weight-loss journey has changed me in unimaginable ways: some good, some bad, some ugly... especially when some haters start telling me "my personality has changed" or that "they liked the other Vanessa better". I guess they just miss the complacency, the sycophantic nature, the comic relief? At the risk of sounding arrogant... haa, nevermind.

    I might as well focus on the good things about being back home, though, because among the crap, there were several people and activities that I used to take for granted, but seriously, seriously missed. Yet, I'm not so crass as to start waxing optimistic on this website (when have I ever?).

    That being said -- I'll proceed to exploit my vanity with pre and post surgery photos (which I have already posted on Facebook, but it's time to get back to my roots).

    Will there be more substance in my next post? Doubtful -- I leave that for the scholarly activities before and after the summer.

    Check me out right here -- photos on the left (with longer hair) are BEFORE, photos on the right (with shorter hair) are AFTER:

     



    And these last two, just for kicks:

     
     Puerto Frances beach - June 24 holiday


    Diana the belly dancer alongside yours truly.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    P.S: <3 Nancy Ajram




          

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

  • First Sorrow: one of my favorite Kafka short stories

    First Sorrow -- Franz Kafka

    A trapeze artist—this art, practiced high in the vaulted domes of the great variety theaters, is admittedly one of the most difficult humanity can achieve—had so arranged his life that, as long as he kept working in the same building, he never came down from his trapeze by night or day, at first only from a desire to perfect his skill, but later because custom was too strong for him.  All his needs, very modest needs at that, were supplied by relays of attendants who watched from below and sent up and hauled down again in specially constructed containers whatever he required. 

    This way of living caused no particular inconvenience to the theatrical people, except that, when other turns were on the stage, his being still up aloft, which could not be dissembled, proved somewhat distracting, as also the fact that, although at such times he mostly kept very still, he drew a stray glance here and there from the public.  Yet the management overlooked this, because he was an extraordinary and unique artist.  And of course they recognized that this mode of life was no mere prank, and that only in this way could he really keep himself in constant practice and his art at the pitch of its perfection.
               
    Besides, it was quite healthful up there, and when in the warmer seasons of the year the side windows all around the dome of the theater were thrown open and sun and fresh air came pouring irresistibly into the dusky vault, it was even beautiful.  True, his social life was somewhat limited, only sometimes a fellow acrobat swarmed up the ladder to him, and then both sat on the trapeze, leaning left and right against the supporting ropes, and chatted, or builders' workmen repairing the roof exchanged a few words with him through an open window, or the firemen, inspecting the emergency lighting in the top gallery, called over to him something that sounded respectful but could hardly be made out.  Otherwise nothing disturbed his seclusion; occasionally, perhaps, some theater hand straying through the empty theater of an afternoon gazed thoughtfully up into the great height of the roof, almost beyond eyeshot, where the trapeze artist, unaware that he was being observed, practiced his art or rested.
                
    The trapeze artist could have gone on living peacefully like that, had it not been for the inevitable journeys from place to place, which he found extremely trying.  Of course his manager saw to it that his sufferings were not prolonged one moment more than necessary; for town travel, racing automobiles were used, which whirled him, by night if possible or in the earliest hours of the morning, through the empty streets at breakneck speed, too slow all the same for the trapeze artist's impatience; for railway journeys, a whole compartment was reserved, in which the trapeze artist, as a possible though wretched alternative to his usual way of living, could pass the time up on the luggage rack; in the next town on their circuit, long before he arrived, the trapeze was already slung up in the theater and all the doors leading to the stage were flung wide open, all corridors kept free—yet the manager never knew a happy moment until the trapeze artist set his foot on the rope ladder and in a twinkling, at long last, hung aloft on his trapeze.
                
    Despite so many journeys having been successfully arranged by the manager, each new one embarrassed him again, for the journeys, apart from everything else, got on the nerves of the artist a great deal.
                
    Once when they were again traveling together, the trapeze artist lying on the luggage rack dreaming, the manager leaning back in the opposite window seat reading a book, the trapeze artist addressed his companion in a low voice.  The manager was immediately all attention.  The trapeze artist, biting his lips, said that he must always in future have two trapezes for his performance instead of only one, two trapezes opposite each other.  The manager at once agreed.  But the trapeze artist, as if to show that the manager's consent counted for as little as his refusal, said that never again would he perform on only one trapeze, in no circumstances whatever.  The very idea that it might happen at all seemed to make him shudder.  The manager, watchfully feeling his way, once more emphasized his entire agreement, two trapezes were better than one, besides it would be an advantage to have a second bar, more variety could be introduced into the performance.  At that the trapeze artist suddenly burst into tears.  Deeply distressed, the manager sprang to his feet and asked what was the matter, then getting no answer climbed up on the seat and caressed him, cheek to cheek, so that his own face was bedabbled by the trapeze artist's tears.  Yet it took much questioning and soothing endearment until the trapeze artist sobbed: "Only the one bar in my hands—how can I go on living?"  That made it somewhat easier for the manager to comfort him; he promised to wire from the very next station for a second trapeze to be installed in the first town on their circuit; reproached himself for having let the artist work so long on only one trapeze; and thanked and praised him warmly for having at last brought the mistake to his notice.  And so he succeeded in reassuring the trapeze artist, little by little, and was able to go back to his corner. 

    But he himself was far from reassured, with deep uneasiness he kept glancing secretly at the trapeze artist over the top of his book.  Once such ideas began to torment him, would they ever quite leave him alone?  Would they not rather increase in urgency?  Would they not threaten his very existence?  And indeed the manager believed he could see, during the apparently peaceful sleep which had succeeded the fit of tears, the first furrows of care engraving themselves upon the trapeze artist's smooth, childlike forehead.

Monday, 13 April 2009

  • What the f*ck?: A re-post

    In light of recent fortunate and unfortunate events during Easter break, an evening with the brothers and the constant wondering, I've decided to re-post a truly brilliant entry from one of the blogs to which I subscribe, with some of my favorite comments that other readers left. My two cents is, well, nobody knows shit. At any moment, everything you so firmly believed about human interactions can be blown to smithereens, and there's nothing you can do about it.

    The worst thing is that, though I avoid it, even *I'm* in some undefined, inconcrete, platonic kind of situation, and that's the *good* one, because the bad one ended abruptly over the break, "not with a bang, but a whimper".

    It's very frustrating. When the fuck did it get so complicated, and most importantly, why?

    I know we're all young, wishing to get out there and experience life to the fullest, not feeling tied down to anything or anyone. And that's what youth is all about, but I think there should be some sort of Geneva Convention-style dating ethics in order to reduce the ruthlessness and cynicism that abounds today.

    Ah well. "Dating is a rollercoaster - enjoy the ride".

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Here's the entry, from Yosho's site:

    How does this whole Dating thing work anyway?

    I remember back in high school, things used to be so easy...meet a girl, ask her out, get parents to drive us around, hold hands, kiss, cop a feel, oral sex, sex, anal sex... everything was all planned out in this one linear path.

    As I get older, dating has become a lot more complicated. Things don't always go in one direction, actually, I'm not even sure a direction exists anymore.

    With Girl #1 it was:
    Make out, sex, oral sex, anal sex, date

    With Girl #2 it was:
    Date, date, date, date, date, make out, date...

    With Girl #3 it was:
    Make out, Oral sex, find out her name... never see her again

    I just don't get it anymore.

    What's even worse is that we have a million labels for everything, or no labels at all. A guy and a girl can be: seeing each other, dating, going out, in a relationship, complicated, casual dating, friends with benefits, etc etc... and of course there are those who refuse to use labels and who prefer to remain ambiguous.

    Can someone please tell me the difference between exclusively dating and boyfriend girlfriend?

    I once asked a girl what her relationship with this guy was and she replied "Oh, we're exclusively dating."

    "So you're his girlfriend then?" I questioned.

    "No, we're just dating...exclusively"

    Errr.... o.O

    And another thing, why are girls so afraid of labels? I know girls who refuse to be called a guy's girlfriend, and yet act super lovey dovey around their man and won't date anyone else. Are we really all so insecure and afraid of commitment that we will go through extreme lengths to keep some sort of artificial freedom? Even if it's as simple as refusing to admit to a label? Since when was being a commitmentphobe cool?

    As much as I love my freedom and enjoy having multiple girls around, I think I'm the type of person that's willing to give someone all of my attention and settle down if I like her enough... ambiguity is just not something I enjoy. And if that means sucking it up and slapping a silly title on everything and having her be my *cough* "Girlfriend", than so be it because the alternative is just retarded.

    Thoughts?
    -----------------------------------------

    My two favorite readers' comments:

    "Labels are useful at times.. you know when you want to know if you're actually dating him or if you're just another whore he sleeps with on the weekends. It's absolutely necessary."

    "not labeling is simply a cop out, yo. it's their way of saying, "i dont want to fuck only YOU." ultimately it means that they're not into you, coz hell, if i ever found a guy i was totally and completely attracted to, you bet im going all in, title and everything, and never let go."


Tuesday, 31 March 2009

  • Dream summer destinations

    Around the world, around the wo-orld... Around the world, around the wo-orld...



    It's that wonderful time of the year again - 1 month and 1 week (or so) before the semester ends; Spring still has not arrived to Brookings, SD, and it's seriously driving me nuts. No wonder the AXD ladies gave me the "Me gusta el tiempo de Dakota del Sur" Award, haha.

    Anyway, I certainly do not want to spend the summer in Brookings, it would be contra natura for me to do so, given the fact that the past 2 years, I've had a fabulous travel experience during the summer (Never an ordinary day in Paris-zuela 2007, and the great move of 2008). Plus, the townie lifestyle is getting to me. It's been a great semester, in so many ways, but the nomad in me is always itching to set foot in new and exciting places.

    So, where could I potentially go? This depends on air fare, places to stay, time, people to see and most importantly, CADIVI.

    Here are the choices, prices and accomodation opportunities.

    1. Italia und Deutschland, with my bro Jorge and my cousin Enrique - $650 roundtrip

    2. Puerto Rico! with my bro Hector - $696 roundtrip (this is ridiculous, given that it's US territory)

    3. La Ville Lumiere (I could drop by to see my bro and cousin too), with the lovely Sabino - $677 roundtrip

    4. Houston, TX, with "this year's love" - $402 roundtrip

    5. Seattle, WA, by meself - just 'cause I've ALWAYS wanted to go there - $444 roundtrip

    6. Caracas, Venezuela - haha, just kidding! (Incredibly enough, sometimes I miss it, or maybe just those I left behind) - but it would cost about... $1,160 roundtrip

    7. And finally (just for kicks)... Doha, Qatar, also by meself, to find my oil-rich heir husband! - $1,650 roundtrip (not bad at all, actually, if I seriously had the chance)

    Let's see what happens!



    If not, I could always try to get a summer job and murder my spirit, er... have fun in good old Brookings!

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

  • Un garçon pas comme les autres

    A beautiful song that describes --to the letter-- what's been bumming me these days. Enjoy the pain!

    Ziggy (Un garçon pas comme les autres)

    Ziggy, il s'appelle Ziggy
    Je suis folle de lui
    C'est un garçon pas comme les autres
    Mais moi je l'aime, c'est pas d'ma faute
    Même si je sais
    Qu'il ne m'aimera jamais

    Ziggy, il s'appelle Ziggy
    Je suis folle de lui
    La première fois que je l'ai vu
    Je m'suis jetée sur lui dans la rue
    J'lui ai seulement dit
    Que j'avais envie de lui

    Il était quatre heures du matin
    J'étais seule et j'avais besoin
    De parler à quelqu'un
    Il m'a dit: viens prendre un café
    Et on s'est raconté nos vies
    On a ri, on a pleuré

    Ziggy, il s'appelle Ziggy
    C'est mon seul ami
    Dans sa tête y'a que d'la musique
    Il vend des disques dans une boutique
    On dirait qu'il vit dans une autre galaxie

    Tous les soirs, il m'emmène danser
    Dans des endroits très très gais
    Où il a des tas d'amis
    Oui, je sais, il aime les garçons
    Je devrais me faire une raison
    Essayer de l'oublier... mais

    Ziggy, il s'appelle Ziggy
    Je suis folle de lui
    C'est un garçon pas comme les autres
    Et moi je l'aime, c'est pas d'ma faute
    Même si je sais
    Qu'il ne m'aimera jamais.



    -----------------------------------------

    Yep. You *don't* know who you are.

Sombre_Gauchiste

  • Visit Sombre_Gauchiste's Xanga Site
    • Name: Vanessa
    • Country: United States
    • State: South Dakota
    • Metro: Sioux Falls
    • Birthday: 2/16/1985
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 10/13/2003

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